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• 如何了解对方想要

  作者：卡其色裤子 发布时间：2013-06-27 14:06:34

  其实我对乐嘉了解得不多，相信很多人和我一样从《非诚勿扰》这个节目认识他的，也许因为他的光头形象，也许因为他在节目上犀利的言语，对这个人印象就是很深刻。最近才知道他是中国性格色彩研究中心的创办人，而《爱难猜》这本书就是一本关于性格色彩的情感随笔。

  就算不了解性格色彩是个什么概念，这本书还是吸引人的，因为它的实用性，它能直戳你的心理，你会发现这就是在说你自己。全书16篇文章，不多但是都很经典，作者通过剖析问题、解决问题，让读者把性格色彩的东西灵活的运用到生活中去。

  书中有篇文章提到，有时人们不愿意给对方定心丸式的承诺，是因为两性关系中，似乎有个魔咒，好像总是谁先承诺谁先死。不承诺有时也是一种逃避，其实我要的只是一句话，你肯说出来，我就会安心，哪怕你没有做到，我也不会怪你，可是作为男朋友的他却如此吝啬的不愿多说一句，这是一种另人产生质疑态度的做法，是在逃避吗？不想承担责任吗？还是我们都太小了，没有把握没有底气。我在感情上付出了很多，却突然觉得自己爱上了一个不该爱的人，没有承诺，看不到未来。

  红色性格的人特别容易没有安全感，希望对方有强烈的意愿跟自己在一起，唯有这样才能满足红色性格内心深处被认可的渴望，需要不断地确定是在被对方重视被对方爱，不然就会觉得可能不爱了。在生命中，我们每个人任何的选择都有可能在年深日久后被证明是错误的。可你必须明白，对于红色性格的人，结果本身并不重要，在当下最重要的是要那份安心的感觉。

  这是和我最有共鸣的一点。这本书很实在，没有多余的废话，值得许多人去学习，我身边很多朋友都存在感情上的困惑，关键是怎么解决，探清更深邃的人心与人性，其实，爱并不难猜。

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• The Flip Side of Same Coin

  作者：songsing 发布时间：2010-03-01 15:38:20

  I used to be an extremist, I used not to ruminate the options I passed up, I used to reject to imagine how the alternative would have turned out and regret what I chose. But, something happened, and I was changed, and a real world paled in comparison to an imaginary world.

  Since then, I have been plagued by grief. Since then, I have had to live with the sting what I could have...if only.... Since then, I have been spinning far down a vicious spiral - negative emotions trigger regrets and countfactual thinking, regrets and countfactual thinking trigger more negative emotions. Sometimes I feel like being stuck in the deep state of misery which couldn't have been worse any more. It turns out even worse later on. Sometimes I feel paralysed by the acute pain and emptiness, not because of too much choices but because of the consequences of past choices. Sometimes I even wonder whether I am able to arrest the strong downward pull and make a amendment. Silver lining is such a mess-the total failure of my life-trigger my curiosity about the mechanism of human's decision-making.

  I had listened Schwartz's engaging TED talk before, I had searched his book for quite some time, finally I got it. Reading this book is to provide me an insightful study of choice, how we make decisions, what the flip sides of the coin of choice are, what's the price we must pay for abundant choices and what the tricks play in our satisfactions with the outcome of choices we made. It is persuasive and well-reasoned, it is thought-provoking. Inside it, there are some theories and research findings which I have also bumped into here and there. It is interesting to see how popular they are cross disciplines, and how ecomomics, behaviorism, psychology and sociology interconnect to each other.

  Beginning with his shopping experience, Schwartz raised one question: "Choice is essential to our autonomy, freedom and well-being, but, is it true that the more choices people have, the better off they are?" His answer is not necessarily. Throughout this book, He convincingly lays out the following arguments:

     1. We would be better off if we embraced certain voluntary constraints on our freedom of choice, instead of rebelling against them.

     2. We would be better off seeking what was “good enough” instead of seeking the best.

     3. We would be better off if we lowered our expectations about the results of decisions.

     4. We would be better off if the decisions we made were nonreversible.

     5. We would be better off if we paid less attention to what others around us were doing.

  We may all know well about the value of choice:

      * Instrumental value: It enables people to get what they need and want in life.

      * Expressive value: It enables us to tell the world who we are and what we care about.(Choices have expressive functions only to the extent that we can make them freely.)

      * Psychological value: It enables people to be actively and effectively engaged in the world

  However, we might not be aware that we are tyrannized by the bountiful choices in mordern society, that is, we are paying for the growth of options and opportunities at cost of:

      * Time

      * Effort

      * Psychological consequences

  So he coins the term "The tyranny of Choice". To make it understandable, he explains:

      * More choices means more trade-offs;

      * More choices means making mistakes more likely;

      * More choices make the psychological consequences of mistakes more severe;

      * More choices can entail more complications than it's worth.

      * More choices can occupy our attention and fuel our anxieties.

      * More choices subtly shift the responsibility from choices provider to decision makers. (This point is very insightful and I can't agree any more.)

  He reasons that choices are govern by memories and expectations, unfortunately, people is lacking of self-knowledge, neither our predictions about how we feel after an experience nor our memories of how we did feel during the experience are very accurate reflections of how we actually do feel while the experience is occurring. This is affected by:

      * Peak-End rule: what we remember about our past experiences is almost entirely determineded by two factors:

            o how the experiences felt when they were at their peak (best or worst)

            o how they felt when they ended.

            o e.x. intense pain + mild pain < intense pain; great pleasure + good pleasure < great pleasure.

      * Availability heuristic: assume that the more available some piece of imformation is to memory, the more frequently we must have encountered it in the past.The factors affect availability to memory:

            o frequency

            o salience/vividness

      * Adaptation: we get used to things, and then we start to take them for granted.

            o perceptual adaptation: decreased responsiveness to sights, sounds, odors, any given environmental event as the event persists.

            o hedonic adaptation: decreased “hedonic” or pleasure extent to an experience as it is experienced more and more

  Besides, people's decision-making is also influenced by:

      * The effect of framing(Prospect theory):

            o We prefer a small, sure gain to a larger uncertain one.

            o We will risk a large loss to avoid a smaller one. (Loss aversion)

      * Endowment Effect: Once something becomes part of your endowment, even after a very few minutes, giving it up will entail a loss.

  Then Schwartz talks about why and how we suffered from the problem of regret:

      * Two types of regret:

           1. Anticipated regret will make decisions harder to make

           2. postdecision regret will make them harder to enjoy

      * Factors affect the regret:

            o omission bias: a bias to downplay omissions (failures to act) when we evaluate the consequences of our decisions.

                  + in short run: we regret actions that don’t turn out well more than we regret failures to take actions that would have turned out well.

                  + in long run: The omission bias undergoes a reversal with respect to decisions made in the more distant past. That is, as time passes, what we’ve failed to do looms larger and larger than what we did.

            o “Nearness” effect: How close we come to achieving our desired result.

            o Responsibility: bad results make people regretful only if they bear responsibility.

            o Counterfactual thinking: thinking about the world as it isn’t, but might be or might have been, which will provide a never ending supply of raw material for experiencing regret. It establishs a contrast between a person’s actual experience and an imagined alternative.

                  + Upward counterfactuals:

                        # imagined states that are better than what actually happened

                        # it may inspire us to do better next time, but the flipside of it will diminish a sense of achievement.

                        # people easily produce upward counterfactuals when negative emotions triggered.

                  + Downward counterfactuals:

                        # imagined states that are worse.

                        # will engender not only a sense of satisfaction, but a sense of gratitude that things didn’t turn out worse.

                        # people rarely produce downward counterfactuals unless asked specifically to do so.

  He also identifies several other psychological processes that explain why added options do not make people better off: adaptation, missed opportunities, raised expectations, and comparison with others. In the end, he gives some recommendations, which I think a bit repetitive, but it can be viewed as a summary of his points.

  Among all his arguments, what I mostly agree with him is: The choice of when to be a chooser may be the most important choice we have to make.

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• 爱的救赎

  作者：清歌留欢. 发布时间：2019-09-09 21:26:37

  文字的最大魅力，在于所有的影响都是浮现在你脑海中，所有的感情都是真真切切。在电视上看过很多新闻，介绍中东地区的状况，但每当按下关机键，似乎世界的另一部分就没有战争，就没有硝烟，似乎只是电视上导演好的内容一样。

  “爱你，千千万万遍”，这句话开始是哈桑对阿米尔说的，后来阿米尔对索拉博也说了这句话。完成了爱的救赎。而阿米尔也从一个弱弱，胆小，小气的少爷蜕变成了敢做敢当，可以独挡一面的男人。当然如果说书中人物，我还是最喜欢主人公的父亲，高大，威猛，爱恨分明。依稀记得，在他们要逃离俄国控制下的阿富汗的时候，有个俄国士兵想对某位妇女做不仁义的事情。是他站了出来，是他盯着敌人的枪口为那位阿富汗妇女战斗，“那你得先从我尸体上踏过去”。如此刚正不阿，完全是正义的化身。

  这里，除了书本中的人物之外，我更想提的是中东地区。战争无情，让父亲成了那里最稀缺的东西。明天和意外哪个先来临，你永远都不知道，所以珍惜当下

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• 弗洛伊德用他自己的精神分析、无意识探索文学、艺术、爱情、生死

  作者：自有我在 发布时间：2022-04-04 14:29:19

  弗洛伊德是精神分析的创始人，他的理论构建极为宏大，影响也更为深远。

  虽然现在有一种声音反馈认为，精神分析是一种伪科学，是一种无法实证的学科，是一种存主观的活动。就比如，精神分析学派的基石之一——无意识，就是一种没办法证实的思维活动。我们无法给无意识计量，也不能用实验验证，这就完全不符合科学的基本定义。

  但这并不妨碍精神分析的理论风靡全世界，无意识的假设不但超出了心理学的范畴，还渗透到文学、哲学、艺术和其他社会科学领域。

  对于无意识这样一个外延的扩大，始作俑者正式弗洛伊德本人。而这本《论创造力与无意识》就是弗洛伊德对于文学、艺术、爱情以及生死，在无意识理论框架下的分析和研讨。

  

  这本《论创造力与无意识》收录了弗洛伊德一些关于无意识理论的短篇论著，以及在这一理论框架下对于社会科学的分析，涉及到很多方面的内容，更是展现出弗洛伊德在各方面的才华。

  相对于弗洛伊德很多大部头的著作，这本书还是相对好读一些，适合成为了解弗洛伊德、学习精神分析的入门级著作，而精神分析的鼻祖的作品，肯定有着值得发掘的内容。

  

  我们来看他的其中一篇文章《米开朗基罗的摩西像》，就可以了解到弗洛伊德是怎样用精神分析的无意识理论来探讨这一雕塑摩西想的，并去寻找别人无法发现的秘密，揭示米开朗基罗雕塑时的真实心理状态。

  摩西像是米开朗基罗受制于教皇尤利乌斯二世，被迫的一个雕塑作品，它耸立于教皇的陵墓之中。而就是这样一座根据《圣经》故事而创作的雕塑，表面上是完美的，是符合教皇要求的。但在弗洛伊德的分析下，米开朗基罗那种在受制的心态，那种不屈服的精神，还是被发掘并展现了出来。

  

  在这尊摩西象中，我们看到摩西的一缕胡须被左手拉到了右边，还有只有一根手指构着胡须，并扶着《十诫》，这和《圣经》故事这状态是不合理的。这位先知，一定是在极为激动的情况下，才完成了这样的动作。米开朗基罗是在塑造摩西身上曾经爆发的愤怒，但这一盛怒的余波成就了现在摩西雕塑。

  从一个雕塑，挖掘出那么多的故事，还可以构建出雕刻者当时的内心世界，这就是精神分析、这就是无意识理论的功劳。

  探索无意识的媒介还有很多，所有由人类所发展出来的一切活动，都受到有意识、无意识的影响，而这些影响是怎么样子的呢？无意识在这中发挥什么样作用呢？这本《论创造力与无意识》给我们提供最佳的分析方案。而且本就是精神分析鼻祖的分析，最本真的精神分析案例，值得我们反复阅读，逐渐消化。

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• 苦难天使——冉阿让

  作者：东篱 发布时间：2018-01-19 21:57:06

  黑夜沉沉，没有一点星光，一个老人仰面躺在安乐椅上，雪白的头发给黑夜点上了一盏耀眼的灯，他感到呼吸困难，全身弥漫着一种难以言状的痛苦，死亡在向他逼近，他毫不畏惧，因为他能感觉得到一股火热的东西在身旁，那便是爱。

  这个老人就是冉阿让，一个行善的“恶人”，一名苦役犯，身体里却住着一个富有同情心的灵魂，既和蔼又乐于助人，心肠宽厚，宁愿断送自己也不肯毁掉敌手，救助打击过他的人，跪在美德的高高神坛上，超脱凡尘而接近天使。

  确切的说，他就要成为天使，血液逐渐在他体内凝结，灵魂不再受躯体束缚，轻轻地悸动着，苦难的天使就要飞出他的躯壳。

  冉阿让死了，化成了一个带着圣洁、美丽、善良的天使。即使在这污浊的人间逗留了七十多年，但他的羽毛还是雪一般的白，苦难没有让这天使染上一点污垢。在人间与天堂之间，变得那样的耀眼，那样的伟大。

  这个悲惨世界熔炼出来的灵魂，他不代表哪个阶层，哪个党派，也不代表哪部分人，而是以天公地道，人性良心的名义，反对世间一切扭曲和剖割人的生存的东西，不管是多么神圣、多么合法的东西。也因为这个良心，给他带来了人世间真正的幸福，回眸他的一生，虽都是无尽的不如意，无尽的磨难，但他的努力奋斗和他的正义凌然让他真正的活过。

  苦难在坚强的灵魂面前变得脆弱，邪恶在善良的人格面前变得虚无，黑暗在神圣的光环面前变得柔弱。这颗不朽的灵魂，闪耀在昏暗的监狱里，闪耀在混乱的街垒中，闪耀在幽深的下水道内，闪耀在每一个善良的人心中。是他用执着、勇敢、善良把幸福推上人间天堂，而自己承受由始至终的苦难，他从来都没有一句怨言。因为一片面包他失去了所有的青春，面对穷困潦倒，世态炎凉，他无论在什么情况下都能永保光明、善良和宽容，他是拥有高尚情操的人。正是那个慈悲为怀的心感化了冷酷、固执，曾一味追捕他的警长沙威。

  悲惨世界的人们啊，只有他能承受住上帝抛给人间的痛苦，只有他能将痛苦的幸福让给别人。信念和良心边缘，痛苦和幸福之间。勇气、爱使他成为了苦难的天使。

  他活着，尽管命运离奇多磨难。

  他安息，只因失去天使才合眼。

  生来死去，是人生自然的规律。

  昼去夜来，也同样是这种道理。

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